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You are in: Root. vURL: /fuq.htm.
Introduction
This is the Site FUQ page, which attempts to answer those questions which almost never get asked. This page has appeared in some form or another on all of my previous websites, along with the About Me page.
Table of Contents
/places/dark+scary/creepy/gremlins/?Mistress_Omen@2Die4.com Any More?DebSiygess@hotmail.com?TurkeyCodeTurkeyCode Parser Is Fucking Slow, Man.TurkeyCode Have a [Insert Tag Here] Tag?1-0: General Questions [top]
Following is a list of general questions.
1-1: What the FUQ? [top]
The FUQ is where I answer frequently unasked questions. The main subjects are this website and myself, although I shall add anything here that I can find some way of answering and/or ridiculing.
1-2: Who Are You? [top]
Short answer: 少佐. Long answer: this page.
1-3: Am I Interesting? [top]
That would be statistically unlikely.
1-4: How Often is the FUQ Updated? [top]
As and when I feel like it.
1-5: Can I get FUQed? [top]
Sure. Send in a dumb enough question and it will appear here. I’ll even remove your name to protect your identity. Just ‘cause I’m nice like that.
1-6: HAI ASL PLZ? [top]
Are you fucking kidding me? Stop wasting my time.
1-7: i thnk ur site sux!!1!!!! [top]
Oh, please. Learn to fucking spell, already.
1-8: huh ahuhuhuhuhu hu huh [top]
What.
1-9: What Does “Assume Plicam Samnatam, o tu Moles Muscaria Muscerdarum” Mean? [top]
It’s Latin for “Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit.”
1-10: Gremlins? [top]
1-11: Why Are the Gremlins at /places/dark+scary/creepy/gremlins/? [top]
Where else would you expect them to be? Disneyland Paris at the zenith of Summer?
2-0: F.U.Q.: m0rd3n.me.uk [top]
Following is a list of questions pertaining to m0rd3n.me.uk.
2-1: Why Won’t Your Site Display Properly in [Insert Name of Newer Browser Here]? [top]
This site is designed for web browsers built upon the WebKit rendering engine. Not the Gecko engine, or the Trident engine — the Webkit engine. WebKit has superior page compositing capabilities in comparison to other engines. Browsers built upon Webkit include: Apple Safari; Mozilla Firefox; Opera; Google Chrome; and whatever’s currently in the iPhone.
2-2: Why Won’t Your Site Display At All in [Insert Name of Old Browser Here]? [top]
Because [Insert Name of Old Browser Here] sucks? Seriously, what the fuck are you doing surfing the ‘Net using an antiquated piece of squirrel shit? You’re overdue for an upgrade.
2-3: Why Have You Used Tables *ew* For the Content Boxes? [top]
There ain’t no stinkin’ tables around here, motherfucker. What the hell kinda tables you think you’re seein’, anyway? Tables, my ass. Get outta here with that crazy talk… And don’t be lettin’ the door hit you upside the ass on your way out! Man… Tables…
2-4: How Did You Create this Site? [top]
By typing lots of stuff into NotePad2∗, drawing a lesser amount of stuff using The GIMP∗, and then uploading the lot using FileZilla∗ to my Web space. Note that all three items of software are completely free. There’s no need to buy anything these days in order to create nice-looking web pages — provided you have the requisite skill set, of course.
2-5: You Didn’t Use a Web Page Editor, or Anything? [top]
Fuck that shit. They insert superfluous tags into their output, with the result that the page ends up bigger than it needs to be. Bigger pages equal slower download times, which irritates users. I like my pages to be as small as I can possibly make them. It’s a thing I have.
2-6: Will You Put Photos on Your Site? [top]
Not of myself, no. I might put some photos up here one day in the distant future, but they won’t be of me.
2-7: Why Can’t I Hotlink Images From Your Site? [top]
So it was you!? Shit.
You can’t hotlink because I fucking hate people coming in and stealing my bandwidth. You do realize that I have to pay for every single image hotlink you create, don’t you?
Quit stealing my bandwidth, fucker.
2-8: Why Can’t I Make a Site That’s Awesome Like Yours? [top]
Have you tried?
2-9: I Don’t Know HTML. [top]
I’m going out on a limb here, but that might be why you can’t make an awesome site…
2-10: Why Do the Various Section Pages and the Site Map Load Slowly? [top]
This is because the section root pages and the Site Map have to check all of the pages present on m0rd3n.me.uk in order to build their directory listings. All other pages load much more quickly because they rely on cached copies of page content.
3-0: F.U.Q.: 少佐 [top]
Following is a list of questions pertaining to 少佐.
3-1: When I Try to Contact #158498221 on I.C.Q., I Get No Answer. [top]
That’s because I no longer chat using ICQ, mainly because it has evolved over the years into a bloated piece of crapware.
3-2: You Don’t Reply to Mail I Send to Mistress_Omen@2Die4.com Any More? [top]
I forgot my password back in 2002. Sorry about that.
3-3: You Don’t Reply to Mail I Send to DebSiygess@hotmail.com? [top]
This is because I can’t be bothered. I do still remember the password to that one, which is pretty incredible when you think about it.
3-4: Do You Have Photos? [top]
None that I wish to make available to you.
3-5: I Think I Don’t Like You? [top]
I’m suppose to care about this why? The feeling’s entirely reciprocal, believe me.
3-6: Are You Single? [top]
Yes, since April 06, 2008. Incidentally, I have every intention of staying that way, so don’t even try getting into my pants — you’ll only end up wasting your time.
3-7: What Do You Work As? [top]
Work? Work? Get outta here. I’ve never even had a job due to medical reasons, much less held one down. And no, I’m not about to tell you what those reasons are. In any case, I wouldn’t work for any employer who was stupid enough to require my services in the first place.
3-8: Are You Female or Male? [top]
That’s a trick question if ever I read one. No comment, because I don’t have to comment.
3-9: Why Are You So Secretive? [top]
Because, at the moment, there’s no law forcing me to be otherwise.
3-10: Can I Email You? [top]
Sure. Use the link that’s at the bottom of any page to send me an email. Don’t attach non-images to your email and it won’t get flagged as spam. If you type it out like you know how to type, you may even receive a reply.
3-11: Why Won’t You Talk to Me in Y!Chat? [top]
As I have more than adequately explained elsewhere, I really don’t like Y!Chat. Also, I’m not even a member of Y!Chat, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
If you absolutely must talk to me, visit this site’s chat room. It’s what I created the thing for, after all.
4-0: F.U.Q.: TurkeyPuncher/1.2 & TurkeyCode [top]
Following is a list of questions relating to TurkeyPuncher/1.2.
4-1: Why TurkeyPuncher/1.2? [top]
There's this turkey, right? Or was. Not sure if he’s still around. Maybe someone carved the little fucker up for Thanksgiving, or something. Anyway, this damnable turkey bird tore a hole in the skin of my right leg in 2008 while I was wasting my time Stateside.
The leg healed okay but, ever since, I’ve had this colossal hate-on for turkeys. I don’t even like the dead and cooked variety. The scar’s cool, though, so I suppose that’s something.
Okay, okay. I was drunk when I named the software. Satisfied?
4-2: Your TurkeyCode Parser Is Fucking Slow, Man. [top]
That’s why TurkeyPuncher/1.2 defaults to using a cached version of a page’s content unless the page has been recently updated. This means that the turkey gets punched only once (on the first HTTP request after a page update). In other words, if the page hasn’t changed since your last visit then you get served cached turkey remains.
Thankfully, nothing on this site changes very often, so most of page requests go theouugh the cache.
4-3: Why Doesn’t TurkeyCode Have a [Insert Tag Here] Tag? [top]
Because it doesn’t. TurkeyCode is not [Insert Name of Language Containing
Tag].
Check the TurkeyCode Reference to see if you can fake the tag you want using an arcane — or simply retarded — combination of the ones described there.
5-0: F.U.Q.: MBox [top]
Following is a list of questions relating to MBox.
5-1: Where’s the Documentation? [top]
5-2: I’ve Found a Bug! Gimme a cookie!! [top]
I only hand out cookies if the bug you’ve found in MBox is reproducible. A reproducible bug is one that I can duplicate on either my own computer or on a friend’s computer. I will, however, treat every report of a bug as serious and will look into it personally.
Please mail bug reports to mbox-dev@m0rd3n.me.uk∗.
Refer here to find out what information I require from you in order to track your bug.
5-3: I can’t find the Change Log. [top]
Try looking here.